Nothing makes me want to become a complete recluse more than a day out shopping. Unlike most women, I really don't enjoy it. Sometimes, however, necessity calls and I have to go out into the marketplace. Yesterday was one of those days. First I had to hit the bank, where I encountered a huge pet peeve of mine: people who don't think they have to follow parking rules when using an ATM. I don't care if you only plan on being there for 30 seconds, use a parking space. That's what they're there for. And I don't mean those spaces with the wheelchair on them either. Are you handicapped? Then don't park in the stupid handicapped spot. Yeah, I know it's convenient. That's why they're reserved for the handicapped. That's right up there with people who leave their cars blocking the front of the store because they're just going in "for a minute". Sorry. I'll get off of my soapbox now.
     As far as trips to Target go, yesterday's wasn't too bad. Don't get me wrong - I love Target merchandise. I buy pretty much all of my household goods there. It's the patrons that tend to mar my trip. I go during the day and most of the time I encounter young moms who don't want to embarrass themselves by making a scene in the store (or refuse to squelch Junior's creative expression), so they just let them scream and yell and make everyone else miserable. The most I've come to expect from a young mom witnessing her little angel's tantrum is, "No no. Do you want me to put your toy back?" I even witnessed a woman using affirming conversation to a three year old a couple of weeks ago. Cross my heart it went almost exactly like this:
     "[screaming] MOMMY, I WANT THIS!!!!"
     "I know you do, but I've already bought your snacks."
     "BUT I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"
     "Honey, I can sense your feelings, and I understand that you're mad, but I'm not going to buy you any more snacks, OK?"
     [continued whimpering]
I don't have any kids yet, so I don't know, but does reason actually work on a toddler? Everything in my being tells me it doesn't, but I don't know.
     As much as I'm bothered by parents who let their kids run rampant, I'm just as bothered by the other extreme: the militant parent. These parents are so desperate to keep their kids from becoming little monsters that they don't let them do anything. The tiniest action can result in a complete meltdown from the parent. It's quite frightening to watch. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING 5 FEET AWAY FROM ME?! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY RIGHT HERE?! YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!!" I just want to stick those kids in my cart and take them home with me.
     Thankfully, I didn't encounter a lot of nightmarish behavior or slow people who block whole sections of the aisle while they don't make a decision about what to buy. Things were going great until my trip to Target ended as all my trips to Target must.
      I have the worst luck picking checkout lanes. It's not just my imagination, either. You can ask Mike. He'll attest to the fact that no matter how much it defies logic, the lane I choose will always be the wrong choice. There are times when I'll actually stand in front of the lanes for a while and watch the flow, hoping that a little research will help me make the right decision. It pretty much always backfires. It's uncanny. It's not just at Target either. This applies to anywhere that has multiple registers to choose from. At Farm Fresh, I will inevitably get behind the woman with a stack of coupons who's paying with a check. Sometimes I'm behind the person buying lots of produce with a new cashier who has to look up every single PLU number. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the person I seem to be magnetically drawn to - the person who watches every single item get rung up and argues that the prices aren't right to the point where they have to send baggers out to research the pricing claims (have you ever noticed that that person is almost always wrong?)
     I was at Target a couple of weeks ago with just two or three items to buy. I marched right up to the express lane. There was only one person already there and she was getting her last items rung up. This was a no-brainer. Then it happened:
"Would you like to save 10% today by opening a Target card?"
"That's OK. I already have a Target card."
"Oh. Well, did you know you could save 10% by upgrading your account?"
"Really? How would that work?"
This was followed by lengthy explanations, paperwork being filled out, calls being made to the credit center... you get the picture. In the meantime, people who were buying enough items to stock a fallout shelter had managed to show up at the front of the store, check out, and leave. I looked weepily at the items on the belt. I was checking them out in my head just to emphasize how quickly it would take me to get out of there if this woman wasn't there.
"How are you doing today?"
"Fine, thanks."
[BLIP  BLIP  BLIP]
"Would you like to save 10%..."
"No."
"OK. Your total today is $23.16."
[card swipe and signature]
"Here's your receipt. Have a good day."
That's all it would take! For the love of all that is good and holy, I could be in my car now. AHHHHHH!!!!
Finally, she moved along and the cashier apologized for the wait. I took a break from the screaming in my brain to tell her that it was no trouble at all.  And that's why I'll never rule the world. Wuss.
     That brings us to yesterday's experience. Again, there was only one woman in line and she only had a couple of items left. I dropped my armload onto the belt (I hate carts and sometimes I don't get one even if I should.) The cashier scanned the last item. It said "not on file". She tried scanning it a couple more times. Nothing. She entered in the UPC manually - once using all the digits and once omitting the first and last. Still nothing. She called another cashier over and asked, "This isn't in the system. Who should I call?" The other cashier picked up the phone and had someone from the proper department call the register. We waited. He called. She got on the phone with him and had him do...I seriously don't know. She's describing the item to him, he's looking stuff up. I'm waiting. I didn't even mention the most infuriating part...it was a book with a price clearly listed on the cover. I guess they had to figure out "the real price" or something. Anyway, I continued to wait. I was watching all of the other checkout lanes. I was trying to come up with some sort of equation to help me decide whether to stick it out. (time to remove my stuff from belt+ time to get to other lane + time to check out - time to stand here and wait.) I was perusing all the mints. Man, Altoids has a lot of new flavors now. I looked at all the gift cards. Who has a birthday coming up? I examined the drink case next to me. What is that? Black Cherry Vanilla? What will they think of next? I read the signs that were taped up at the register. Look at all those schools they give money to. Hey, I went there. They finally came up with some sort of satisfying answer that allowed us to move on. Everytime. I don't understand it.
     And that, my friends, is why I do my shopping online. The shipping costs will get you, but the time you save is priceless. And you probably won't get your legs broken by people speeding through the parking lot.